Make a good day

“Make it a good day” is my mom’s new saying.  She’s funny sometimes, she even has it on her voicemail.  She’ll text me and call me and leave me a message saying “make it a good day”.  It actually works.  The days have been tough.  I have lots on my mind and I’m trying to focus on her words and it actually kinda works.  You know, the power or positive thinking?  Another thing that helps me get through the days is hold a picture of my Dad and asking him to help me have a good day.  Went to work a little on the stressed outside.  The big boss made a couple of comments the other day and I couldn’t tell if he truely meant it and that if that was his way of telling me.  So this morning my mom calls while I’m driving to work and holding a picture of my Dad and I said….Make it a good day!  Of course I was trying to convince myself that it was going to be a good day.  I walk into work with a big smile and a positive outlook, had a nice talk with my supervisor and expressed my concern.  Long story short…  I MADE IT A GOOD DAY.

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Make a good day

“Make it a good day” is my mom’s new saying.  She’s funny sometimes, she even has it on her voicemail.  She’ll text me and call me and leave me a message saying “make it a good day”.  It actually works.  The days have been tough.  I have lots on my mind and I’m trying to focus on her words and it actually kinda works.  You know, the power or positive thinking?  Another thing that helps me get through the days is hold a picture of my Dad and asking him to help me have a good day.  Went to work a little on the stressed outside.  The big boss made a couple of comments the other day and I couldn’t tell if he truely meant it and that if that was his way of telling me.  So this morning my mom calls while I’m driving to work and holding a picture of my Dad and I said….Make it a good day!  Of course I was trying to convince myself that it was going to be a good day.  I walk into work with a big smile and a positive outlook, had a nice talk with my supervisor and expressed my concern.  Long story short…  I MADE IT A GOOD DAY.

Getting it off my chest

I can’t believe what a bitter person I’ve become.  Hard to write with so many thoughts running through my head. My family, uhg my family.  How torn we have all become.  We used to be such a close nit family.  I can’t even put into words how close we were all at one point.  I’m not just talking about immediate family, I’m talking, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Every Christmas was spent together.  The memories I had of those times will forever be embedded in my heart.  I’m not sure exactly what happened.  I could probably name a few things but I’m not sure if that’s even it.  One thing for sure is that the issues we all have now have been brewing for a very long time.  I mean a very long time probably even as far back as those Christmas’s I remember as a kid but nobody ever said anything.  I  don’t blame the “adults” for not saying anything but Wow, it’s really bad now.  Things just contiued to get worse over the years leaving a bad taste in my mouth.  It’s a huge chain reaction and I got caught right smack in the middle.  My heart is heavy and I hold so much anger.  I’m hoping that venting in my blogs will be some sort of therapy for me, it’s  somewhere for me to release all this pain and anger without having to discuss it with someone all the time.  I’m at the point where I don’t feel the need to confront anyone as it’s clear as day that I’m hurt.  I’m the type of person that can forgive but I can’t forget and the relationship I once had with that person will never be the same.  Yes, it’s sad, very sad but I am who I am and I deal with things in my own way.  But the memories are a killer!  I long for those times again.  I long for the closeness of how we all once were.  The love and closeness is what my Nana worked so hard to make happen in our family and it all fell apart after she made her way to heaven.  I’m sure she is looking down on all of us in such disappointment.  I can see her shaking her head with a few tears in her eyes.  My throat has a lump in it just visualizing it.  But enough it is enough, you know what I mean?  There are those family members that think they can call all the shots.  Not anymore and not this time.  You can’t just treat people with disrespect and expect nothing in return.  I was raised with morals and respect and I think that’s where I’m having such a hard time with all of this.  I was always taught to shut my mouth and don’t say anything.  Everyone always says, be the bigger person, don’t stoop to their level but at what point do you finally put your foot down and say, “you will not treat me like that anymore”?  I dont know what to do anymore.  Right now it feels like I’m the black sheep of the family.  I’ve decided to keep my distance because hearing or talking about them makes my blood boil so I chose not to talk about them at all.  It’s made some people feel like they can’t talk to me cause I get so upset.  Like I said I’m trying to find away to deal with it in my own way.  Wish me luck that this works.  Its hard for me to open my heart right now.  I think about how horrible it would be if anything happened to any part of my family but I just have so much hurt in my heart.  I guess only time will tell.  For now I’ll just continue to write until the pain goes away.  I already feel better, sometimes you get tired of talking to the same people about the same thing over and over again.